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Published November 2002 in The Post-Star newspaper Trying to choose among friends COMMENTARY I do not have a best friend. Now don't go feeling sorry for me. This is a truth I reveal with contentment. Having close friends is one of the greatest joys of my life. It's just that I refuse to rate them in order of importance. The truth is, each one is of value to me and I love them all. And like fingerprints, each one is different. It would hardly be in good taste to make a Top Ten List out my friends. The whole notion of choosing one friend and giving them a title (why not a crown and sash while I'm at it?) never made sense to me. It's inherently exclusionary. We don't do it with co-workers, children or relatives, why do we do it with friends? How could I import a subjective value on people who mean different things to me, based on their individual gifts and the particular time they entered my life? Below is a list of some of my dearest friends. It's a partial list and, to be completely fair, it's alphabetical. You tell me. Which one of these is the best? * I associate Batya with that delicious coming-of-age period in life that was my 20s. We met in New York while studying, latecomers to the college scene, we bonded instantly. She's artistic, adventurous and incredibly kind -- I'm convinced she doesn't have a mean bone in her body. Geography separates us now by thousands of miles and phone calls to Tel Aviv are never cheap, even at 6 a.m. Batya also remains steadfastly computer illiterate, so our friendship sustains itself through our commitment to snail mail. And it works -- seeing her calligraphy-covered envelope waiting for me in the mailbox, with its exotic Hebrew postage stamps, thrills me more than an e-mail ever could. * Brenda and I met in ninth grade Spanish class. We discovered we can make one another laugh hysterically and it took off from there. We've never had to explain to each other the reasoning behind our passions and dislikes -- they're inexplicably shared to the letter. * Bruce was the first guy I ever slept with -- I still cherish that black and white photograph of us together in the playpen in my back yard. During our childhood in Lake George, Bruce was my Huckleberry Friend. When our parents banished us outdoors to play, we'd expend childish energy by raiding wasp nests to see who ended up with fewer stings. Then we'd go down the hill to the yacht club to play on the sailboats that were moored by the docks. It infuriated some of the more sourpuss members who glared disapprovingly and waved us away as they lounged in the sun with their scotch. Ill-tempered, stinging insects weren't the only wasps Bruce and I annoyed back then. * Giselle's bohemian spirit sustained me when we met while working at a dreadfully boring retail clothing job back in the mid-'80s. On a slow night, we'd whip out issues of Interview and Vanity Fair magazines, read them at the counter and dream of the day when we'd live in New York. Giselle lives life fearlessly and is the one person I know who truly never worries -- and she encourages me by example to do the same. * Jackie the gem. Besides having better listening skills than a fleet of tape recorders, Jackie is one of those friends who makes you feel like the most valued person on earth. In Jackie's world, birthdays are mandated national holidays. She finds the best cards, flowers, gifts and restaurants to celebrate the occasion. Not only has she never missed a birthday, Jackie has never even come close to under-celebrating. * I've come to think of the name of Joan as a synonym for Angel. Because that's what she's been to me. She literally wiped away tears for me when someone close to me was dying, she gives the best elbow massages when I'm suffering a migraine and like me, loves caffeine and fried chicken unapologetically. * Under the heading of "essentials for a women" go two things: a good lipstick that matches your skin tone and a gay man. It's no urban legend, they do make excellent friends. Kent has been an indispensable part of my life since I met him while working behind the jewelry counter at Macy's 13 years ago. Aside from his empathy, intelligence and a wit that materializes one-liners at the speed of light, he can breathtakingly redecorate my home in a matter of minutes and hosts elegant brunches that are to die for. Kent also makes the best lemon squares on the planet. * There I was in Paris on a hot August afternoon, panting from the mile-long uphill trek up the Champs-Elysees and scanning the crowd of tourists as I attempted to seek out a stranger who A) spoke English and B) looked friendly enough to agree to take my picture in front of the Arc d’ Triomphe. My eyes stopped on Khethi, a luminous soul whose smile could light the Eiffel Tower single-handedly. She took my picture. I took hers. We had a brief conversation on what brought us to Paris and before parting, we exchanged e-mail addresses. One month later, I received an e-mail from Khethi from her home in Cape Town, S.A. And ever since, we ‘talk’ at least twice a week. All I wanted was a good shot of myself with a Parisian landmark. Thanks to Khethi, I got the photo. Thanks to serendipity, I got a friend who is kind, wise, intelligent, gracious and one of the most touchingly honest human beings I’ve ever met – how lucky am I? * Laurie and I were often mistaken as sisters growing up. We looked and often dressed alike. Later, we hit puberty together like Thelma and Louise, bravely facing the strange transition from the Children's Department at Merkel and Gelman to navigating the 'women's' aisle of the drug store. Laurie and I have been through our share of rifts and disasters and 30 years later, we're still friends. I deem ours the cockroach friendship -- it can't be killed. * Stan came into my life at the perfect time: When all my girlfriends were knee-deep in child-rearing and had about an hour of spare time per year. Yeah, it was nice that Stan was retired and had lots of free time on his hands. But even better, Stan is in love with life and insists his friends accompany him on his merry ride through it. He entertains regularly and lavishly, listens carefully and without judgment and can turn a sad moment around on a dime with his humor. So there it is. A bouquet of wonderful friends. I can't say which one is the best...can you?. |