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Published 1/16/03 in The Post Star newspaper Resolving on a new direction this year COMMENTARY By STACEY MORRIS Happy New Year! It might be a little belated, but it's a sincere wish for all of you nonetheless. Do you smell a New Year's column on resolutions coming on? Well, you're sort of right. But a list of resolutions would be so predictable ... not to mention annoying. That doesn't mean, however, that making a few changes for the better hasn't been on my mind. Let's just say that when your seatbelt starts feeling like a tourniquet, you know the time for change has arrived -- new year or not. I know I'm not alone in my thinking, but rather than inflict a litany of instructive optimism on you, I've made a list for a friend of mine who recently confided to me his predicament about his weight. He's trying to gain a considerable amount -- never been happy with his elongated physique, he says. And he's at a complete loss as to how to go about his intended transformation. Instinctively, I knew I could help my buddy out. Since I've never encountered the slightest setback when it comes to weight gain, I gallantly offered my friend a few pointers, which he's currently mulling over. And I'm sharing them with you, because whether your resolution is to lose or gain, take this list as a guideline. If you're like my friend and have bravely put on your game face this month so you can begin piling on the pounds -- tape the list to the refrigerator. But if like me, you're on a quest to do the opposite, consider this a rough but accurate outline of what not to do. In other words, these suggestions would be considered major impediments to dropping a few sizes. So here it is, still in time for the new year, my basic weight-gain primer: 1) Potato Chips and French Fries will do wonders. If someone's talking and you need to hear what they're saying, switch to fries. 2) Bacon and eggs. Aw forget about the whites, just add a few yolks to your bacon sandwich. 3) Italian garlic bread (preferably Villa) doused liberally with butter (garlic is optional as it doesn't assist weight gain). 4) Skip those bag lunches -- just do the #4 at McDonald's every day -- and it goes without saying to supersize it. 5) A bucket of KFC original (extra crispy is less greasy) and a side of their calorically dense biscuits. If you find you can't finish an entire bucket, discard any extra meat (especially white meat) and go for the skin. 6) Premium Ice Cream -- Haagen Daz Ice Cream or Ben & Jerry's ... Godiva will do nicely, too. 7) Dining at Poopies. For quicker results, do breakfast and lunch when you can. 8) Weekly visits to all-you-can-eat Chinese buffets, being careful to avoid vegetables, especially the salad. 9) Chicken wings (at least one dozen) with extra bleu cheese dressing. 10) Pizza Pizza Pizza! For maximum weight gain, avoid vegetable toppings and instead choose extra cheese, sausage and meatballs. (If you're on a budget but love Italian, the canned Chef Boyardee products have never been known to fail.) The key is to eat these things regularly, not just every now and then when you're trying to be "good." Remember, you're trying to establish lifelong habits and make significant behavioral changes. And for the rest of us -- what can I say? I'm certainly no expert, but I suspect that not doing all of the above as often as possible, coupled with more motion in any form, would be a heck of a start. |