|
Published 10/3/03 in The Post-Star newspaper Her one and only -- long-lasting marriages take work COMMENTARY STACEY MORRIS Fifty-one amazing years. That's what Loretta and Eddie Grabowski had. Most marriages nowadays don't make anywhere near the 50-year mark, and the parting by death has nothing to do with it. Nowadays there's a lot more freedom -- freedom to call it a day if things aren't going so well. Loretta Iannece met Ed Grabowski in 1947 at a candy store in Queens when she was a teenager. He was 21 and just out of the Navy. It was an almost movie-like moment when two souls connect emphatically: Loretta remembers how her heart pounded when she turned around and there was Eddie, smiling at her. "He told me later that when he saw me that day that he knew I was the one he was going to marry," she said. Four years later, Loretta married Ed when she was 18. They went on to raise six children, in the midst of which they uprooted themselves from Long Island to live in Lake George. They also weathered a lot of ups and downs over the decades, including both of them living through cancer. Why do some marriages endure beyond others? Is love enough or does it take more than that? It's a question as old as marriage vows themselves and if any one person had the answer, she or he would be probably be either a billionaire or a beatified saint. To some people who knew them, Ed and Loretta's marriage seemed idyllic. That's idyllic as in, hardly a single problem ever arising, smooth-sailing for 99.9 percent of the journey. Ed and Loretta would be the first to tell you what ridiculous and unrealistic notion that is of marriage. "I called them 'debates,'" she smiled. "We were opposites, but we complemented one another. ... We worked our problems out." It's true, Ed and Loretta were different in a lot of ways. He was rugged and outdoorsy and loved being on the golf course or working with his hands. Loretta was more the indoor type who enjoyed a good book more than breaking a sweat. About 30 years ago, Loretta began a spiritual journey which led her to Huna, a Hawaiian tradition that blends spirituality with psychology. She even went on to become a teacher of Huna, though Ed said the metaphysical stuff wasn't his bag. "He used to say, 'Honey, it's your thing if you want to do it, go ahead.'" Several years ago, Ed suddenly started sitting in on his wife's weekly classes, learning about prayer, meditation and deep, conscious breathing, among other things. "He really added a lot to a class," she said. "Everyone grew to love him and his smile." Huna became their path to God and every day, they began it together. "Every morning we'd pray together and thank God," she said. "Eddie always said 'Thank you God for this bee-yootiful day.' Even in sickness, Eddie never stopped thanking God for all his blessings: Loretta, six children, 11 grandchildren, their secluded home in the woods of Lake George, the friendships that enriched their lives, golf games played at Top of The World golf course. Fast-forward to Sept. 25, 2002. The Regan and Denny Funeral Home on Quaker Road was overflowing with people, flowers, photography montages and tears. Eddie lay peacefully at the front of the room, a necklace of black Kukui nuts from Hawaii around his neck. In the Hawaiian tradition, it's meant to be worn as a lei of light. Red-eyed mourners dabbed tissues to their eyes. Loretta moved as slowly as an astronaut in space, making her way a step at a time through a web of unimaginable sadness. But she made it to the podium to read Kalil Gibran's poem on marriage. Ending the celebration of Eddie's life was Hawaii native Kaena Peterson as she chanted an Oli as she glided into the room, swaying gracefully as she danced an Aloha Hula. As I sat there, the tears rolling down my face, I thought of Eddie's smile, especially the way he smiled at Loretta. And it occurred to me the freedom that exists today -- the freedom to leave a marriage. It might be the easier thing to do, but is it always the right choice? Maybe marriages like Eddie's and Loretta's are one in a million. But seeing the Grabowskis, their loving solidarity, the foundation of which began with Eddie and Loretta, it made me wonder, what might some people be giving up when they leave? "We worked at our marriage," Loretta once told me. "And our love was so strong that it came first -- we knew if we had any disagreements, we knew could work it out and in doing so, we literally found the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow." The day of Sept. 25 was a hot, sunny early fall day. When Loretta and her family emerged from the funeral home, they looked up in the sky and saw a rainbow. There was no rain that day or the next, but still, a rainbow surrounded the sun, in a perfect ring, for hours. Loretta said that in the Hawaiian tradition, when a spirit leaves the body, it can present itself to loved ones in the form of a rainbow. "It's their way of letting us know, 'I'm still with you, I love you,'" Loretta said. "He was my love and my life. ... He still is. ... He's my love and my light." |